Fear Denials are a common, internalized model of thinking. In fact any model that does not include an active willingness to take responsibility for our behavior is invalid. A key ingredient to changing fear is taking responsibility for our responses to what happens to us. When we take ourselves out of the equation, we have a better chance at figuring out how we respond to fear and turning it into courage. Let's examine the relationship between fear and denial and look at some possible ways we can change this pattern.
We all have beliefs about ourselves. These are often called self-defeating or avoidant beliefs. If you're a perfectionist, you may hold the belief that you're somehow undeserving of success or that you don't measure up to others. Holding these beliefs puts you in a constant state of self-denigration. We need to change this pattern of self-defeatism.
When you accept responsibility for your thoughts and feelings you immediately shift the focus to someone else. Instead of "blaming" yourself for your negative thoughts and feelings you shift the focus to someone else - or even yourself. When you blame others, you invalidate your own voice and ability to change what's happening to you. When you focus on yourself as the source of your feelings, instead of "blaming" them you shift your awareness to your reactions and reality - not to blame.
If you're worried that you're making mistakes or have done something wrong, your fear will lead you to question yourself and to scrutinize every aspect of your life. This will create internal tension and stress and intensify your tendency to blame. You're sending yourself a message that says, "if you make mistakes, you're a bad person."
Your fear is telling you that if you continue to do what you're doing, you'll fail. The truth is that you probably won't fail. We all fail at times. If you don't know how to improve your performance you probably won't. In fact, the only person who can tell you whether or not you're improving is you.
So, instead of blaming yourself for your errors, look at your actions and your reaction to what you're doing. Where is your self-talk in regard to this situation? Are you giving yourself excuses and rationalizations so that you feel justified in blaming others? Or are you aware that what you're doing isn't working and that you need to change what you're doing to succeed? You can feel better about yourself when you accept responsibility for your own actions and your own reactions.
Instead of "blaming" your circumstances on others, why not spend some time thinking about what you want to change about yourself that will make those situations different from those of yesterday? It's possible that the problem lies in your subconscious self-talk. Instead of blaming others, take a moment to ask yourself what you're doing that's making you feel bad. You may find that you need to change your self-talk to something more positive.
It may sound scary to blame your circumstances on other people. But it really doesn't have to be scary. Instead of dwelling on past failures, consider how you can improve your present behavior patterns. When you're able to see what you are doing that's causing you fear, it's easier to focus on what you can do to change yourself. Instead of letting fear colonize your life, take action to eliminate fear and you'll soon be free of the fear that's gripping you.
Just as blame can be a powerful motivator, the fear it inspires can be equally powerful. The more you focus on what you're doing that gets you fearful, the more convinced you'll become that there's no way out. Rather than allowing fear to dictate your actions, take a minute to consider all of the ways you could change yourself for the better and how your new, improved self-talk will help you get through today's circumstances.
One effective way to fight fear is to take responsibility for your own reaction and your own actions. Simply refusing to acknowledge or deny responsibility for your own feelings and actions creates a world of additional problems. Instead of "blaming" others, take a moment to honestly assess what you're doing that gets you fearful. Think carefully about what you can do to change yourself for the better. If you can't do it on your own, consider consulting an effective professional who can empower you to take control over your own life.
Accepting blame isn't helpful; it keeps you stuck in a never ending cycle of self-blaming and denial. By shifting the blame away from yourself, you shift the power from fear to action. When fear stops you from taking action, it also stops you from seeing the possibilities for improving yourself. Take the next step by consulting an expert on how to rebuild yourself so that fear becomes a thing of the past.
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